Ponderings

I sometimes fantasize about what my business would be like if Paul and I would have waited to have children. I think of the extra money we would have to spend on the business, the workshops I would be able to attend if I weren't worried about leaving my family, the weddings I would accept if family time were not a factor, my office that wouldn't be consumed with toys, and the time I would have to just work.

With every job I take, I think of what I'm giving up. I worry that Collin spends too much time playing by himself without me being able to play with him. Then when I crawl on the floor and we read books, roll balls, learn colors, roll balls, sing abc's, roll balls, tickle, and did I mention rolling balls? Yeah, rolling balls is big fun in our house. I think about the albums I need to be working on and the pictures I need to be editing and the wedding invitations that aren't quite finished yet. And don't even get me started on the house, because on any given day, it's pretty much a disaster! It has been so hard to find that balance, and it's something I struggle with daily.

I guess the point of my rambling is this: I don't know one other mother who doesn't feel the same way. Every decision we make, we question. "Is working what's best for the family? What am I giving up; what am I gaining? What about my needs as a person, not just a mother?"

I love my job with everything I have in me, and I'm so glad that I have been able to work from home. I'm learning to put the guilt aside, because I really do have the best of both worlds. I get to do my job which I love so very much, keep my customers happy, and watch my son grow up. So, the majority of my summer will be spent playing in the sand box and at Castaway Cove and in the floor rolling balls; because I wouldn't miss this time to be Lauren Clark (an incredibly awesome photographer)! And while I do sometimes imagine what my business would be like without Collin, I could never imagine my life without him.